Presidential Elections 2016, Who Gets My Vote?

I know many of you are confused with regard to the upcoming presidential election.  Since no one on Facebook, or the rest of the Internet for that matter, has an opinion on the best candidate, I thought I would put my curds aside and whey in on this critical situation.  You know this is going to be good because we just had a cryptic “Little Miss Muffet” reference.  Where else do you find such stuff.

What is a Tuffet anyway?  Noun, meaning small mound or low seat

I have done all the research for you so you don’t have to think.  Normally I would vet all my research through Snopes but, since nobody else seems to do this, I decided I would use the seemingly popular Hopes.  You see, Hopes is the process where you just say whatever comes to mind and you “Hopes” it is true.

For those of you with short attention spans I will cut to the chase.  You need to vote for “The Donald.”  Now, before you get upset, let’s look at the alternatives.  It is a simple process of elimination.  If this whole campaign is desperate for anything, it is a little more elimination.

Let’s start on the Democratic side.  We can’t have Hillary.  She claims to have been born in Chicago but we know she spent a lot of time in Arkansas.  I don’t know where that is but it sounds foreign to me.  We can’t have foreigners as president.  Hillary also comes with a lot of baggage and I’m not just talking about her eyes.  Her husband Bill is a well-known philanderer who managed to have an affair with the only Jewish girl on the planet who didn’t know how to get a stain out of a dress.  Not to be outdone, Hillary too, has been having an affair with some guy named Benjamin.  She certainly sent him a bunch of emails that everyone finds interesting.  I think his last name is Gazi, yes, that’s it, Ben Gazi.  He sounds foreign to me too.

Hillary's new Do, Looking for the Gen Y and Gen Z support for her second term.

Next, we have Bernie.  His campaign slogan, "Feel the Bern" seems a bit too up close and personal.  As my movie-buff friends know, if you spend just one Weekend at Bernie’s you will find out why you can’t vote for him.  He is stiff, uncommunicative, and would begin to smell bad by Monday.  I know, some of you are saying, what better way to patch things up in the Middle East but to send in a nice Jewish guy to talk things over.  I say to Mr. Sanders, “go back, run your chicken franchise, and leave the politics to the folks that care and, make mine extra-crispy.”

Feel The Bern

On the other side of the political fence, we find our first Republican victim, or candidate if you will, Ted Cruz.  Why would Mr. Cruz want to run for president?  He already has a movie star (Tom) and a missile named after him.  His real name is Rafael Edward Cruz and he was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.  How can you trust a Canadian who doesn’t know his own name?  How do you get “Ted” out of Rafael?  I also heard he is an evangelical, whatever that means.  According to the dictionary, it comes from the Greek word euangelion.  It certainly is Greek to me.  If Mr. Cruz is following something from Grease it should be the words of Principal McGee when he said, “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.”  So I say, no to Mr. Cruz.

Next in line is Jeb Bush.  For those of you who say, he’s just another Bush; let me say to get your heads out of the shrubbery.  You must not head down the shrubbery path because you will undoubtedly run into Mr. Monty Python:  “First you must find... another shrubbery!  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle.  ("A path! A path!")  Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!”  But I digress.  As anyone who has ever dealt with politics in Florida knows, it keeps getting “curiouser and curiouser!”  To quote that famous Florida political intellectual and Jeb Bush advisor, Tweedledee, “Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.”  We have never had an ex-governor from Florida as president and I don’t think we need to go experimenting now.

Little Jebbie, the Nutty Bar from Florida

Up comes Ben Carson, or should I say Doctor Carson. His most famous quote, “I do a lot of doing.” He was the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital.  He has performed surgery on infantile brains for many years.  In this capacity, we could certainly use him to our betterment.  If the Congress, and the infantile brains currently occupying that body have any chance at all, it will be with their surgical removal.  President NO, Congressional brain surgeon, YES.

Chris Christie.  What can you say about Chris Christie?  He only got that name because his mom stuttered.  He threatened to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and Mayor de Blasio had to issue a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan.  He launched his presidential campaign in his old high school gym.  Luckily, he had an aide that knew the way.  He wanted to have the announcement in the school cafeteria but there is still an outstanding restraining order.  He would certainly be a boon for late night comedians.  I say, it’s just too risky.  He looks like he is one jelly doughnut away from a gastronomic explosion of epic proportions.  The serious flooding in New Jersey after Hurricane Sandy could have been prevented by just moving Mr. Christie a few states to the left.  But, sadly, Mr. Christie doesn't move to the left.

Governor Christie enjoying his famous "Baby on a Bun"

Now, we come to the Wicked Witch of the West, or should I say Carly Fiorina.  Her most famous quote, “They must be engaged, and they must be asked.  I will ask them.  I know them.”  Moreover, my personal favorite  Fiorina quote, “To keep our nation safe, we have to begin by beating Hillary Clinton.”  This sounds like someone prone to violence.  Who could have guessed that a person with a last name that sounds like a hot breakfast cereal would be so bitter?  She always has so much to say.  Another quote, “I fought my way to the top of corporate America while being called every b-word in the book.”  How many b-words can you think of in five minutes that would fit here?  Go ahead, we’ll wait.

Queen Fiorina

How about John Kasich?  He claims to be from McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania.  Everyone knows Cleveland Rocks, not McKees.  As the governor of Ohio, he should know this.  I think Cleveland is somewhere near Ohio.  For those of you who are unencumbered with pop culture references, Cleveland Rocks is a song from the album “You’re Never Alone with a Schizophrenic” and was used on The Drew Carey show.  A quote from Mr. Kasich, “Frankly, it’s time we punched the Russians in the nose.”  Another pugilist has been heard from.

John Kasich, wants to punch the Russians in the nose.

Marco Rubio.  First, let me say I would never vote for a person that has a name that sounds like a children’s water sport game played in Miami.  "MARCO…….RUBIO."  "MARCO…….RUBIO."  For those of you who live up north, the game is sort of like tag in a swimming pool.  For those of you living above the 30 degree north latitude, a swimming pool is a body of water located outside your home that is not frozen.  Mr. Rubio was born to Cuban parents living in Miami.  To quote Mr. Rubio, “40% of the people who come here illegally come legally.”  I wouldn’t trust a candidate who uses sexual references to make a point.

Marco.......Rubio

On to Rand Paul.  His debate quote which we will share here, “If you want to read a story, it’s called ‘The Speckled Monster.’ It’s an amazing story.”  I think the book he was trying to think of was Pippi Longstocking which is a Swedish children’s book of a precocious girl with pigtails and freckles.  A speckled monster, I think not.  Shame on you Mr. Paul, and isn’t your name backwards?  Shouldn’t it be Paul Rand?  Who has a first name of Rand except maybe that Scotsman named McNally who wrote that Atlas thing?

This brings us to “The Donald,” my personal choice for the next president of the US, or POTUS.  Yes, “The Donald” should be the next president.  You know he is an American through and through.  He was born in these United States of America.  He is famous for his semi-intelligible speech that makes his quotes unassailable.  While not rich in his own rite, he does have a rich uncle.  He is loved by his three nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie, who would make excellent cabinet members.  He was born in 1934 to Walt and Lillian Disney.  They named him Donald and now, as a presidential candidate, he is simply called "The Donald."  Since Donald is technically a duck, his younger years were spent being called Donald Duck.  With his good friends Mickey and Goofy, he had an enviable childhood.  While The Donald speaks well from a podium, the fact that he refuses to wear pants is a distraction during other public speaking engagements.  The Donald is known for his short temper and positive outlook on life.   As a duck, he knows his way around bills.  As the religious right must already know, The Donald literally walks on water.

The Donald

When asked about his party affiliation The Donald answered with an enthusiastic, "YES."  We have all seen his aggressive nature help him with sharks, ghosts, mountain goats, and forces of nature.  ISIS would be no match for his pranks.  It’s hard to find representative quotes from The Donald but who can forget such brilliant one-liners as, “Aw, phooey!” and “Hiya, toots!”  And, when he gets excited he can mutter, “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.”  He is generally kind to animals, except his occasional run ins with Chip and Dale.  He loves his hammock.  He loves his future First Lady, Daisy.

The New White House

Yes, The Donald would make an excellent president.  He is known around the world.  In Sweden he is called Kalle Anka, in Denmark he is Anders And, and Aku Ankka in Finland.  In Germany there is a group known as D.O.N.A.L.D., which is an acronym for “German Organization for Non-commercial Followers of Pure Donaldism.”  In Italy he is called Paolino Paperino.  The Donald is also pro-military and is almost always seen in his sailor’s uniform.

While we are on the subject of the military and defense, The Donald says he plans to make Goofy the Secretary of Defense.  When told of this strategy, Mr. Putin (that Russian guy) was said to have soiled himself.

The Donald's New Secretary of Defense, Goofy

Oh, I almost forgot another candidate, Mr. Trump.  His first name is also Donald but he should not be confused with the original Donald.  The True Donald.  We all know someone who likes Mr. Trump, because Mr. Trump likes Mr. Trump.  His most famous quote is, "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay? It's, like, incredible."  This sounds like he doesn't have any supporters on Fifth Avenue in his home state of New York.  I say, he most certainly would have lost at least one voter with that shot.  Even if the "somebody" he just shot was previously a supporter.  Trust me, if you get shot by your current presidential choice, you're not voting for that SOB anymore.  So, the BS meter has Mr. Trump's quote in the "major pile of" catagory.

The 'other Donald' Who we don't think is a duck.

I read up on Mr. Trump and much of the commentary had to do with his hair.  Sure, the man is "follicly-challenged", but have you seen what's underneath that squirrel's nest.  It's downright scary.  One of my problems with Mr. Trump has to do with infrastructure.  Our bridges are crumbling.  Anyone who has ever played Bridge knows, any bid with NO TRUMP, can be a good thing.

Long live The Donald.  The Original.  The One and Only.

Ducks Rule

“We're all mad here.”  and  “I am not crazy my reality is just diffrent than yours”
― Cheshire Cat