What Could Go Wrong? A Parody.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who is attempting to unmask our children in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic, wants to further protect our freedoms.  In keeping with his policy of unfettered parental rights, the Florida governor’s office is planning to consider new legislation that would allow parents to decide if their children are mature enough to carry a gun to school.  According to the governor, parents should have the right to decide how mature their child happens to be.  Parents are the ones best equipped to make such decisions.  The government should not stand in the way of a parent's right to arm their child to protect them.

Semi-automatic indicates a 7-12 classroom

This policy has many benefits Florida Commissioner of Education Richard Corcoran said, just think of the new active shooter drills where instead of lockdowns they turn into lock-and-load events.  If there is an occasional inevitable accident, parents can take solace in knowing that those classrooms will no longer be so overcrowded.  Mr. Corcoran sends out his heartfelt thoughts and prayers in advance to those who will eventually lose a loved one.  They should know that their child died for our freedoms.

Parent's Rights for Everything

Per an unnamed source in the DeSantis office, “parents who may fear for the safety of their children, have every right to send little Johnny, Suzy, Paco, or Maria to school wearing child-sized body armor.”  They recommend the Sesame Street Dino Shield or the Tyco Ninja Turtle Shell brands for the best protection.  

Guaranteed to Slow Down a Small Caliber Round
Will Probably Protect The Kid Behind This One

The governor’s office did say that they weren’t totally crazy so there would be some minor restrictions.  Grades K-6 would only be allowed to carry revolvers while 7-12 would be allowed semi-automatics but no long guns.  All weapons would have to fit in school lockers at such times as deemed necessary.  Those times would include things such as student trips to the school counselor for anger-management sessions.  School bus drivers would now be shielded from stray bullets by a protective bullet-proof cage that would be installed around the driver’s seat.  Safety first is our motto.

Polycarbonate Protective Cage for School Bus Driver

Teachers will be instructed to not use corporal punishment when students get into fights and are prohibited from shooting students except in self-defense.  Teachers will be encouraged to shoot to-wound whenever possible.  Teachers will be held to the same carry standards as their students.  This will mean that K-6 teachers may only carry revolvers where 7-12 teachers can carry semi-automatics.  This will level the playing field and mean that everyone will have a fair chance at a good education.   As an added safety measure, all classrooms will be equipped with advanced trauma kits.

School shootings can be used as a teaching tool

Driver’s education classes could now teach responsible drive-by shooting safety.  Far too many innocent bystanders are being killed in Florida by irresponsible and poorly trained drive-by shooters who intended to kill someone else.  There have even been incidents when others in the shooter's car have been injured due to carelessness.  Florida wants to minimize such unnecessary violence.  Keep the deaths among the gang-bangers where they belong.

Drive-by Safety

If all of this sounds a bit demented, it is.  It is just as demented as allowing parents to individually decide that their child doesn’t have to wear a mask thereby placing all within the school at risk of losing a life.