Republicans Weren’t All Wrong

Yes, those Republicans who claim the 2020 presidential election was stolen were right.  It was stolen by 81,268,924 registered voters who selected Joe Biden and Kamala Harris over Donald Trump and Mike Pence.  Republicans were also right in their suspicions that some of those 81,268,924 people didn’t really vote for Joe Biden.  Yes, some of those folks didn’t so much vote for Joe Biden as they were voting to not allow Donald Trump a second opportunity to embarrass America.

Many conservatives were right in claiming the mRNA vaccines were rushed too soon into production.  Yes, messenger RNA strands have only been studied as a drug delivery mechanism since 1987, which represents a mere 30+ years of development.  > Dr. Katalin Karikó and her collaborator Dr. Drew Weissman >published a paper titled "Cationic liposome-mediated RNA transfection in 1989.  "Yup, only three decades of development is a real rush job.  Actually, their research was founded on experiments with liposomes and mRNA that were discovered in the early 1960s, only 59 years ago.

Conservatives who think climate change is a hoax being perpetrated by liberals who falsely believe the earth is round, rotates on its own axis, and travels around the sun, may be right.  The hoax theory has a basis in real science.  First, our earth is not round, it is an oblate spheroid where the North and South Poles are slightly flat, and we have a bit of a bulge at the equator. Don’t we all?  The earth doesn’t properly spin on its axis, it wobbles.  Don’t we all?  Lastly, the earth doesn’t travel around the sun because, as we all know, the sun is a chariot of fire that is driven across the sky by the Sun God Helios.  However, those conservatives who believe that Donald Trump drives that chariot each day from Mar-a-Lago to San Francisco, and the golden rays we attribute to sunlight are just reflections from his blonde mane, are just plain unsalted nuts.  Real legumes.  Donald Trump would never go as far as California to shed light on anything.

Sun God Helios

As to climate change, the earth’s climate is always changing.  We should not be concerned that 17 of the 18 warmest years ever recorded in the earth’s 4.5-billion-year history have happened since 2001.  The suggestion that high levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, which began during the Industrial Revolution, are anthropogenic (man-made) is open for debate.  Yes, only 98% of actively publishing scientists believe that the earth is getting warmer.  The other 2% have published contrarian studies that nobody has been able to replicate, or which contain obvious errors.

Republicans who believe the January 6, 2021 demonstrations at our nation’s capital were peaceful expressions of free speech are also correct.  From midnight to 9:00 a.m. on January 6th, the attendees were peaceful.  After 9 a.m. however, things began to deteriorate.  That thousands of attendees at Trump’s rally were merely tourists, I must also agree.  The definition of a tourist is a person who is traveling or visiting a place for pleasure.  Many of those folks looked like they were enjoying the hell out of themselves.  They were just like tourists in any other theme park.  They got to try their skills at the climbing wall that used to be part of the outside facade of the capitol building.  They were allowed to pepper spray others at random.  They also got to act like children screaming at the top of their lungs.  They got to throw things and beat up Capitol Police.  I’m sure, many took pleasure in all of this.

The Rock Climbing Event at the Capitol Tourist Attraction

You now have to ask yourselves; would I be a good fit for such a party?  Do I have what it takes to be a good conservative Republican?  To help you answer this nagging question, I have a short one-question quiz.

Which of the following is true?

1. The Covid vaccines contain tracking microchips, the blood of Satan, the DNA of aborted fetuses, and will make you magnetic so you can no longer go near your refrigerator.
2. Donald Trump won the 2020 election, is secretly running a parallel government from Palm Beach, Ron DeSantis is his VP, he is running the Pentagon using a donated Twitter account, and is using his newly formed Space Force to eliminate his enemies with lasers.
3. We only use 10% of our brains, George Washington had wooden teeth, you swallow eight spiders a year while sleeping, a penny dropped from atop the Empire State Building will kill you, Trump’s November 10, 2018, Veterans Day military parade will never be forgotten, and Twinkies have no expiration date so they could save you during a zombie apocalypse.
4. All of the above.

The results are in.  If you took the test above and selected any answer, you may proceed to submit your application to replace Tucker Carlson on Tucker Carlson Tonight.  You may have to change your name.  To clarify a bit from selection #3 above, certain conservatives are the only humans who use but 10% of their brains as they need at least that much to just walk and breathe.  You don’t swallow eight spiders a year, it’s more like fourteen.  Twinkies have a shelf-life of 25 days and if you eat one after the 25th day you will become a zombie and won’t have to worry about your sugar intake.  

If you have already forgotten the Trump military parade of 2018, you are forgiven.  It was postponed to 2019.  If you forgot the 2019 military parade, you are also forgiven as it was canceled and never took place.  As with most things TRUMP, it is all best forgotten.