The 2024 presidential election is now history. The nightmare process of trying to count, recount, certify, and recertify the results from statewide elections is over. The courts, overwhelmed with challenges and legal filings, declared the machine ballots from all 50 states invalid, and the Supreme Court, after consulting with Leanord Leo of the Federalist Society, decided to allow the 26 Republican state governors and the 24 Democratic governors to each cast a single vote for each of their states. In a surprising 26 to 24 nail-biter, Donald Trump was declared the victor.
Both President Donald Trump Sr. and Vice President Donald Trump Jr. were sworn in by Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito at noon on January 20, 2025, at the new “White House” located at the facility formerly known as Mar a Lago. The president immediately decreed that he had been the legal president since the last election and that all actions of his predecessor were invalid. As he was the president for the previous four years, he was also exempt from prosecution for all crimes, past, present, and future. He also immediately pardoned all his coconspirators to be effective after they signed an NDA, swore an allegiance of fealty, and kissed his newly designed presidential ring.
The improbable had become reality as the Trump dynasty had now firmly established itself as the ruling family of the United States. President Donald the Third whose friends call him Donnie Three, delivered his inaugural speech via hologram projection to a stadium filled with the MAGA elite (anyone with a car, gas money, and a red hat). While holographic fireworks exploded in the sky, Trump’s ramblings were virtually incoherent. The one thing that could be heard was the promise of Trump Wall 2.0 which was to be covered in gold leaf and patrolled by orange-haired robots equipped with smartphone cameras to take pictures of any illegals who attempted to cross the border without paying an entry fee and promising to cut the grass on any Trump golf club course for free.
Given the new Florida location of the White House, it was also seen as prudent to relocate Congress and the Capitol Building to Palm Beach. Construction of the new Capitol will begin on Bingham Island, formerly called the Audubon Preserve, once they run off all those pesky birds. The new Capitol Building will be another Trump Tower branded operation that will bear his name. There will of course be a perpetual licensing fee at a rate to be determined by the new president.
Much of the cost of the new construction will be borne from revenue generated by the new theme park that will be built on the old Washington, DC government site. Plans for a Storm the Capitol experience will allow visitors to relive the January 6th Insurrection. The Washington Monument will be a Tower of Terror-type chair drop, and the 676-yard-long Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool will now be a water theme park with a slide that begins in Lincoln’s lap.
The president then created the new position of Secretary of Christianity and appointed Kenneth Copeland as its first leader. Copeland’s prosperity theology that promises his parishioners a hundredfold return on all donations sent to him was something Trump thought was brilliant. Any business that avoids all taxes and generates hundreds of millions of dollars with only the promise of a future return got the president’s attention.
Given that Donald Trump had officially been president since January 20, 2017, he vowed to break Franklin D. Roosevelt’s four-term run at the job. Chief Justice Roberts promised to make the Twenty-Second Amendment unconstitutional. Roberts declared that he had the full support of honorary billionaire justices Leonard Leo, Harlan Crow, Paul Singer, and Robin Arkley II.
In other appointments soon after taking office, Lauren Boebert was made Secretary of Education. Upon hearing of her new title, Ms. Boebert said that, since she couldn’t type, her new title would be president and the department would be called Bored of Education.
One of her first acts would be to revamp school curriculums to include mandatory Trump-branded courses on real estate development, beauty pageant judging, and mandatory reading of The Art of the Deal, the most important literary work of all time. All public schools would be renamed to pay homage to their new president for life with names like Trump Elementary, Trump High, and Trump University. To pass from one grade to the next all students would have to pass the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test just like their school’s namesake did in 2018. They too would have to draw hands on a clock, identify animals, and copy a picture of a cube.
In other reward lollipops for Trump loyalists, Marjorie Taylor Greene was made head of the Civil Rights Division in the Department of Justice where she will rewrite the Civil Rights Act of 1957 so that it more clearly supports the feelings of those “very fine people on the other side.” This was clearly a reference to the very fine white nationalists who peacefully marched in Charlottesville, NC in August of 2017.
Trump’s much talked about executive order called “Schedule F,” is in its early stages of development. Known as Trump’s Revenge, it is said to allow Trump to fire all government employees regardless of tenure, and replace them with friends, relatives, and cronies of his choosing. First on the chopping block will be the FBI. That agency will be gutted and Enrique Tarrio will be appointed the new FBI director. This will enable the Proud Boys to take over the former bureau.
Rudy Giuliani will be the new Attorney General. Jacob Chansley will be the controversial new UN Ambassador and is expected to don his January 6th horned fur headdress and spear for all official functions. This will clearly define the disdain Trump holds for the UN and NATO. George Santos will be the new head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and will be the first non-military person to hold that title. He will be given the honorary military title of Supreme Commander of All Things that Kill.
The new Trump News Network would be established to replace PBS, and it would feature both current and past Trump speeches and interviews as well as Trump family documentary features that would attempt to convey the greatness that is Trump. Features like The Great Wall of Texas, the Short Wall of New Mexico, the Arizona Minefield, and the California Turnstile would be featured. Viewers could watch the animated steel cage match between Vladimir Putin and Donnie III where the Trumpster defeats The Vlad with his famous “Covfefe Slam.”
In this dystopian future, the Trump dynasty rules with an iron Twitter thumb and the demeanor of a reality TV host yelling "You're Fired." The nation was transformed into a surreal spectacle where reality and satire were often indistinguishable. The phrase, “You can’t make this shit up,” took on a whole new meaning and a nation longed for the days when politics were just bizarre and not utterly absurd.
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