USS Republican Party

 USS Republican Party

Dateline: Somewhere in the Sargasso Sea

The USS Republican Party was last seen sailing in circles with a broken rudder and no one at the helm. Their former captain was being towed behind in a leaky lifeboat franticly bailing with a 30 oz. cup from McDonald's to stay afloat. That lifeboat was also crammed with lawyers and was being circled by 44 Great White federal sharks and 47 Tiger state sharks eager to have anyone who fell overboard as their next meal.

This majestic three-masted schooner was once the flagship of the Republican Party. In 2016 the fearsome pirate Orangebeard attacked the Republican flagship and boarded it without firing a shot. He forced many of its officers to walk the plank or swear unwavering loyalty to him. He made outrageous promises to those who remained and broke them all.

USS Republican Party

In November 2020, Orangebeard fell overboard after tripping on his large ego. He managed to climb aboard the lifeboat and has been screaming obscenities ever since. He has since communicated with a small cadre of mutineers still aboard and they have managed to keep the ship sailing in circles ever since. They initially placed Lieutenant Junior Grade Kevin Mc Spineless in charge, and he promptly dropped his sextant along with his dignity overboard, and could no longer navigate the ship.

Former cabin boy and current powder monkey, whose job it is to run below decks to bring gunpowder to the cannon crews during battle, is called Fishface Gaetz. He has managed to lead a group of eight scurvy mutineers out of a crew of 435. His gang of eight includes Biggy Biggs, Bucky Buck, Greybeard Burchett, Redbeard Crane, Bad Good, Mace-Your-Face Mace, Rosey Rosendale, and of course old Fishface Gaetz himself.

The ship is sailing at the mercy of the weather and the occasional foul wind that breaks off the stern from the towed lifeboat with the noisy Orangebeard (aka Old Yellowstain) aboard. In fact, if it wasn't for Captain Orangebeard breaking wind, the ship wouldn't have any wind at all. The mystery of the strawberries of course continues. With Captain Yellowbeard in tow, tightly holding his little dinghy and the lifeboat, the ship's fate is uncertain as it continues to turn in wide circles to the right moving further and further away from America. In less than 45 days they may founder on the rocks of default. Sailing a ship is even more difficult when half the crew believes the world is flat.