An Open Letter to President Trump

Dear Mr. President,

I thought I would take this opportunity to compliment you.  I understand that’s the only way to get your attention.  You are now the President of the United States of America.  Somehow the title doesn't seem quite up to the spectacular individual that you are.  You are more than a mere president.  Even lowly Mexico has a president.  I've thought about this and I think I have an idea.  As a resident of Miami, I remember a celebration we had here for over 60 years.  It was discontinued in 2002 due to a lack of funding.  I understand that funds or a lack thereof are not your problem.  I was thinking that perhaps you could supply a little cash and we could bring back our celebration.  I first thought you could write off the donation on your income taxes but I forgot, you don't pay those.  If you are as clever, as everyone around you (including you) says, perhaps you could get Mexico or Cuba to pay for it.  Don't worry, there is definitely something in it for you.  You would get to be King.  Think about that for a second.  King.  Now that is a title worthy of a man of your stature.  The celebration I refer to is the King Orange Jamboree.  You would be King Orange.  All hail King Orange.  Your subjects await your next tweet.

King Orange of The United States

To say you have had a busy first couple of weeks would be an understatement.  You promised to Drain the Swamp but instead opened the floodgates.  That's wonderful.  Keep them guessing trying to figure out your next move.  I would almost describe your actions as like a Whirling Dervish.  Then I realized that the Dervish are also a religious group whose focus is on the universal values of love and service, deserting the illusions of ego to reach God.  Not quite the best analogy to associate with a man of your temperament.

Rockin' Robin

I understand that your Secret Service codename is Rockin' Robin.  That one puzzled me for a few seconds.  The robin is the state bird of Connecticut, Michigan, and Wisconsin.  Well, that should please your fan base.  The robin is also described as a large orange breasted bird.  Well, they weren't far off the mark there now, were they?  That spray tan does seem to have an orange cast about it.  Rockin' Robin is also a song made famous by Bobby Day in 1958 and later recorded by Michael Jackson.  A phrase from the song reads:  "All the little birdies on Jaybird Street - - Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet."  Your Twitter fans would love that.  The clincher for me though was when I looked up the robin and found that its scientific name is Turdus Migratorius.  I'm serious.  That is Latin for a turd that won't stay in one place.  I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.  Well, maybe.  I can hear the Secret Service now, "The robin is in the nest", and "The robin has flown the coup", or "Clean-up needed - Oval Office."  It works for me.

Tweeter in Chief

I would now like to make a few observations.

As a fellow septuagenarian, I know that you are not concerned by climate change.  It's not our problem.  We will both be dead before it has any lasting effect.  My only impact so far has been that my Christmas cactus is starting to bloom after Groundhog Day.  Climate change is an inconvenient truth that gets in the way of short term profits.  Never profit tomorrow when you can profit today.  Kick that troublesome can down the road a bit and let your kids and grand-kids deal with the consequences.  You can probably take comfort in the fact that it will take quite a while for the water levels to reach the penthouse suite in one of your towers.  From the picture below I would say that, when it gets to the third gold window band on the building, your kids or grandchildren need to show some concern.

Trump Tower with Water Rings

Elsewhere on the environmental front, the removal of annoying restrictions on coal mining companies polluting our rivers and streams will surely bring back some of those glamour jobs in the mines of Pennsylvania and West Virginia.  You should also consider eliminating safety regulations since it is better to have miners killed in a collapsing shaft than have them live long enough to clog up our Medicare rolls with black-lung treatments.  Between cave-ins and drinking polluted water, these coal miners shouldn’t be much of a burden to Medicare or Social Security. 

A Minor Coal Miner

Those of us who can afford Perrier don’t need to worry about the quality of water in America.  Let the French worry about keeping their lakes and streams clean.  Actually, I would imagine that your drink of choice would be Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani at $60,000 per 750-ml. bottle.  The water is no better than Perrier but it does come in that beautiful 24-karat gold bottle.

$60,000 bottle of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani

I know you are anxiously waiting for that compliment.  I’m still trying to think of one and I’m sure, with enough time, I can come up with something.  However, let’s keep going.

Betsy DeVos

Betsy DeVos was an excellent choice for Secretary of Education.  With a family background in auto parts manufacturing and selling Amway products, who better to know about education?  As a billionaire, she is well equipped to understand and identify with the educational needs of our inner cities.  Just joking here of course.  Who needs those folks anyway?  They don’t vote.

Ms. DeVos has worked tirelessly to get Michigan’s educational system to rise to the level of 34^th in the nation.  The fact that her charter schools were ranked below the regular public school system in the state means that somebody is making some easy money.  Let’s hear it for big bucks and easy money.  Ms. DeVos plans to expand the charter school and voucher system so every American business man, I meant to say child, can have the same wonderful opportunities as those folks in Michigan.

The Department of Education’s new slogan; “No Dollar for Public Schools Left Behind.”  That’s a good thing, if you have the right friends.  DeVos was a major campaign contributor to your election campaign.  When asked if she was making donations expecting something in return Ms. DeVos stated, “I have decided, however, to stop taking offense at the suggestion that we are buying influence.  Now I simply concede the point.  They are right.  We do expect some things in return.” 

Hmmmm?

  

Your roll-out of the immigration ban was exciting.  You managed, with the stroke of a pen, to make 62,979,879 constituents happy.  The fact that you also managed to piss off 7.5 billion people around the globe should be of no consequence.  They don’t vote here.  Furthermore, the seven countries named in the ban don’t participate in the Miss Universe Contest.  Who would watch the swimsuit-burka competition anyway?  I noticed that you didn't include Saudi Arabia in the ban.  Just because the Saudis supplied the vast majority of known terrorists of the 9-11 attack (or 7-11 attack as you refer to it) shouldn't get in the way of the oil industry making a profit.  Those fellow billionaires need to eat too. 

Perhaps You Should Reconsider That Immigration Ban

We only need to stay on good terms with the countries that will be bringing us the next Mrs. Trump.  I’m sure you must be getting the “shopping for a new piece of arm candy” bug by now.  Melania is already 46 and fast approaching the proverbial hill that you and I have in our rear view mirrors.  I understand that Steve Bannon may also be looking for his fourth wife.  Maybe you two can do some immigrant shopping together during your travels to Eastern Europe.

Immigration Order Signing

I’m still working on that compliment.  I thought I had one but it slipped away.

I can understand why your meeting with Mexico’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto, was cancelled and the ensuing phone call ended poorly.  You want him to pay for something he doesn’t want in order to keep us safe from that, "bunch of bad hombres down there.”  I love your use of colorful language.  It's right out of an old western.  You could be Humphry Bogart in Treasure of The Sierra Madre.  Hey, before you let in any “bad hombres,” you should ask to see their badges.

Gold Hat, Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Great Wall of Mexico* to Keep Out Fat People
*I’m not sure on branding rights for the wall but, since you say that Mexico is footing the bill, it seems only fair that they should have naming rights.    Fair?  Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.

I do however, have a difficult time understanding why you went out of your way to piss off Australian Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull.  Sure, taking 1,200 refugees off Australia’s hands might have been a bad deal, but you are the master of the deal.  Perhaps you could have gotten them to throw in a few dozen Koalas to lessen the blow to your constituents.  Everybody loves Koalas.

Everybody Loves Koalas

Your first executive order rolled back the mandate to buy insurance under the Affordable Care Act.  That should really show everyone how bad the plan was.  It’s about to get really expensive.  With around 11 million people in the insurance pool, you probably don’t want to just pull the plug.  It may however, be difficult to come up with a less expensive way of covering these people.  You wouldn’t want to be required to cut defense spending.  Or, worse yet, be forced to dip into the spare change we found under a seat cushion in Paul Ryan's office now earmarked for the Great Wall of Mexico.  

I'm sure the new plan, dare we call it Trump-Care, will be cheaper with more coverage.  Just as you promised.  Who do you have working on this miracle?  Tell me it is an evangelical Christian and that they have a new way to cover everyone through prayer.  Such a plan would have no drugs, doctors, or hospitals, you just trust in your Christian faith.  That would certainly be cheaper.  The Tea Party would love such a plan.  Other faiths could come up with their own plans as long as they didn't cost more.  Atheists?  Well, they better start eating kale salad and adopting a healthy lifestyle.
  

Steve Bannon With Access to All Sensitive Intelligence

I can’t go into all of the executive orders here.  At this writing, they number seventeen and, like most people, I can’t make sense of some of them.  

Executive Order Signing

It seems that all number 16 did was to give Steve Bannon access to all intelligence briefings and limit the roles of the professionals like the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the director of national intelligence. I guess it's time for a shake-up in the intelligence community.  I don't think we have ever had a self-proclaimed anti-Semitic white supremacist in this position.  I'm sure his opinions will bring some much needed balance.  I know he is balanced because he loved presidents Kennedy and Reagan but despised both Bush and Carter. 

Steve Bannon Finishing Lunch

Mr. Bannon's affiliation with the “alt-right” with its “alt-facts” would seem to fit right in with the intelligence community.  Those folks have been dealing too long with important facts and could use an alternative to the truth.  They also look like they could use a laugh or two.  They always seem so serious.   In this upside down world who knows how that will turn out?   I'm sure you know best.  Remember, only three years and eleven months to go. 

Who's the Greatest?

No one can say your presidency hasn’t been exciting.  Hey, that sounds like it could count as a compliment.  I’ll take it that way and will consider the matter closed unless you can come up with a better one.  I have to laugh sometimes; of course you can come up with something better.  You do it all the time.  Your humility ranks right up there with the legendary Muhammad Ali.  I can hear you both now arguing about who’s the greatest.  I’m the greatest.  No me, I’m the greatest.  No, I’m the Greatest.

I'm the Greatest

American Airlines, The Carrier With Class

We at American pride ourselves on having a little something for everyone.  This includes most of our seats.  Our company slogan is:  “Surely you can’t be serious, We are serious…, and don’t call us Shirley.”  Since America is quickly becoming a "class society", we at American Airlines provide seating classes for all classes, even those with no class.

Where Profits Always Come First

Our First Class accommodations are among the finest in the industry.  You would think you were sitting in an economy seat circa 1960.  Even full size adults tipping the scales at 150 pounds or slightly more will find our First Class seats comfortable.   

First Class Seating for the Well-Heeled Heel

These First Class seats actually recline (unlike economy where they just tilt a little) and have an armrest wide enough to rest an elbow.  It doesn’t stop there; we include food and beverages on most of our flights just as if you were traveling before the Airline Deregulation Act of 1978.  If that is not exciting enough, know that you get to board first so you can gobble up as much overhead storage as your greedy little heart desires.  You can even put your overflow back in Economy Class if you run out of room.  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, you get a working oxygen mask.  Your First Class seat also entitles you to use the clean bathroom at the front of the plane.  You know it’s clean because this is the one we use.

Economy Class With Extra Legroom, Enjoy That Additional 25mm of Space

If you can’t afford the extra thousand dollars or so for a First Class seat, perhaps an Economy Class Seat with Extra Legroom would work for you.  It is here that we provide an extra 25mm of space between the tray table and your swollen knees.  This is part of the same space you used to have before our cabin engineers took a course offered at the Fujian Xiongguang Sardine Canning and Design School.  The width of your seat is the same as regular Economy Class with a spacious 17” between the armrests.  This has been calculated to allow enough space for 65% of typical American pelvic bones.  We have found that the skin and fat you may have, if you are not indeed a skeleton, will merely be pushed up above the armrest.  Mick Jagger's ass, while not really an American appendage, was used in testing the seats.   The fit was a bit snug but, as Mick would say, "You can't always get what you want."  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, your oxygen mask will work after approval of any major credit card.

Booster Seats are Available for Children

Your Economy Class Seat with Extra Legroom may be designed to recline two inches unless you happen to be seated in front of an aisle, in front of an exit row, in front of a bathroom, in front of the galley, near or adjacent to our first aid kit, or any seat number evenly divisible by 2.  If you are lucky enough to find overhead storage for your one carry on item just make sure it is of sound design because we reserve the right to pound, jam, twist, and otherwise smash any overhead bin items to make room in this ever-diminishing space.  If you have small feet, perhaps the space under the seat in front of you can be used for storage.  You can always raise your knees above any overflow because your tray table will be useless anyway.  You weren’t expecting food were you? 

Regular Economy Seating

  

Regular Economy Class is just what you would expect.  You get an economy seat with padding recycled from old rodeo saddles.  These seats are situated in the middle of the aircraft far from any bathroom.  You should have gone at the terminal.  For flights longer than two hours, you will be offered free pretzels and some water or other water based beverage.  Please don’t drink too much.  Remember your seat position in relation to the one available bathroom.  Remember too,this lavatory serves the other 200 or so folks in the cheap seats.  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, please hold your breath.

Sub-Economy Seating Where You Can Keep an Eye on Your Luggage

Sub-Economy seating is a new offering at American.  We realize that many travelers don’t care for comfort and regularly travel without a change of clothes.  Since you probably last bathed during the Nixon administration, being crammed into sling chairs in the baggage section of the plane should not be a problem.  Be sure to dress warmly as this section of the plane can get below freezing.  The  Sub-Economy Class was created with the “cheap bastard” in mind.  Here, there is no food, no bathroom, no storage, and occasionally…, no seat.  You will be issued a toe-tag and a working parachute so, if we need to lighten the load because we didn’t burden ourselves with enough fuel, you will be jettisoned somewhere along our travel route.  If your chute fails to open that toe-tag will help us identify the mess you created.

American Airlines Seating Diagram With You in Mind

We are looking forward to the future and are considering adding a "Midget Class" where adults of small stature and perhaps anesthetized children may be placed in our overhead bins.  We await your feedback and FAA approval before this can become a reality. With a Republican majority everywhere, we expect to be making this and other humiliations available soon.

AA A Seating Class For Everyone

Remember, Airline travel is nature’s way of making you actually look like your passport photo.