American Airlines, The Carrier With Class

We at American pride ourselves on having a little something for everyone.  This includes most of our seats.  Our company slogan is:  “Surely you can’t be serious, We are serious…, and don’t call us Shirley.”  Since America is quickly becoming a "class society", we at American Airlines provide seating classes for all classes, even those with no class.

Where Profits Always Come First

Our First Class accommodations are among the finest in the industry.  You would think you were sitting in an economy seat circa 1960.  Even full size adults tipping the scales at 150 pounds or slightly more will find our First Class seats comfortable.   

First Class Seating for the Well-Heeled Heel

These First Class seats actually recline (unlike economy where they just tilt a little) and have an armrest wide enough to rest an elbow.  It doesn’t stop there; we include food and beverages on most of our flights just as if you were traveling before the Airline Deregulation Act of 1978.  If that is not exciting enough, know that you get to board first so you can gobble up as much overhead storage as your greedy little heart desires.  You can even put your overflow back in Economy Class if you run out of room.  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, you get a working oxygen mask.  Your First Class seat also entitles you to use the clean bathroom at the front of the plane.  You know it’s clean because this is the one we use.

Economy Class With Extra Legroom, Enjoy That Additional 25mm of Space

If you can’t afford the extra thousand dollars or so for a First Class seat, perhaps an Economy Class Seat with Extra Legroom would work for you.  It is here that we provide an extra 25mm of space between the tray table and your swollen knees.  This is part of the same space you used to have before our cabin engineers took a course offered at the Fujian Xiongguang Sardine Canning and Design School.  The width of your seat is the same as regular Economy Class with a spacious 17” between the armrests.  This has been calculated to allow enough space for 65% of typical American pelvic bones.  We have found that the skin and fat you may have, if you are not indeed a skeleton, will merely be pushed up above the armrest.  Mick Jagger's ass, while not really an American appendage, was used in testing the seats.   The fit was a bit snug but, as Mick would say, "You can't always get what you want."  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, your oxygen mask will work after approval of any major credit card.

Booster Seats are Available for Children

Your Economy Class Seat with Extra Legroom may be designed to recline two inches unless you happen to be seated in front of an aisle, in front of an exit row, in front of a bathroom, in front of the galley, near or adjacent to our first aid kit, or any seat number evenly divisible by 2.  If you are lucky enough to find overhead storage for your one carry on item just make sure it is of sound design because we reserve the right to pound, jam, twist, and otherwise smash any overhead bin items to make room in this ever-diminishing space.  If you have small feet, perhaps the space under the seat in front of you can be used for storage.  You can always raise your knees above any overflow because your tray table will be useless anyway.  You weren’t expecting food were you? 

Regular Economy Seating

  

Regular Economy Class is just what you would expect.  You get an economy seat with padding recycled from old rodeo saddles.  These seats are situated in the middle of the aircraft far from any bathroom.  You should have gone at the terminal.  For flights longer than two hours, you will be offered free pretzels and some water or other water based beverage.  Please don’t drink too much.  Remember your seat position in relation to the one available bathroom.  Remember too,this lavatory serves the other 200 or so folks in the cheap seats.  In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, please hold your breath.

Sub-Economy Seating Where You Can Keep an Eye on Your Luggage

Sub-Economy seating is a new offering at American.  We realize that many travelers don’t care for comfort and regularly travel without a change of clothes.  Since you probably last bathed during the Nixon administration, being crammed into sling chairs in the baggage section of the plane should not be a problem.  Be sure to dress warmly as this section of the plane can get below freezing.  The  Sub-Economy Class was created with the “cheap bastard” in mind.  Here, there is no food, no bathroom, no storage, and occasionally…, no seat.  You will be issued a toe-tag and a working parachute so, if we need to lighten the load because we didn’t burden ourselves with enough fuel, you will be jettisoned somewhere along our travel route.  If your chute fails to open that toe-tag will help us identify the mess you created.

American Airlines Seating Diagram With You in Mind

We are looking forward to the future and are considering adding a "Midget Class" where adults of small stature and perhaps anesthetized children may be placed in our overhead bins.  We await your feedback and FAA approval before this can become a reality. With a Republican majority everywhere, we expect to be making this and other humiliations available soon.

AA A Seating Class For Everyone

Remember, Airline travel is nature’s way of making you actually look like your passport photo.