TDS

On a recent visit to the Dark Side, I encountered several non-sentient alien life forms, one of whom used the term TDS in reference to my comments. Her first use of the acronym was, “I see a lot of TDS here.” She followed this up with her adoration of DeSantis because he ignored those ignorant doctors and scientists during the peak of the Coronavirus pandemic by, “keeping the state open and the children in school.”

I wasn’t sure what this Storm Trooper from the MAGA Galactic Empire meant by TDS, so I began my investigation. What is TDS and how can I identify it? If anything could detect TDS, certainly I could find something on Amazon, they have everything. I wasn’t disappointed. I could buy a TDS meter for only $13.98, and it would give me a display indicating that my test sample had fewer than 40ppm of Total Dissolved Solids (TDS) in green, or a red display if my sample exceeded that count.

Somehow, I didn’t think this person was concerned with water quality in Florida. She was a DeSantis supporter, and he allows Big Sugar to flourish to the detriment of the Everglades, manatees, and others living things in our ecosystem. Water quality is very low on the list of MAGA priorities. I will need to look elsewhere.

Further research into the term TDS found that, in Trumpworld, it is used as a pejorative to discredit opponents without having to resort to a more intelligent reply. Like most things in Trumpworld, they appropriated the acronym from the George W. Bush-era when it was called BDS. It was used to describe a form of paranoia brought on by the very existence of George Bush and his policies. In Trumpworld, even the Make America Great Again-MAGA banner was an appropriation originally used in the 1940 presidential election by Alexander Wiley, then later by Barry Goldwater, and then Ronald Reagan. Nothing much in Trumpworld is original, not MAGA, not TDS.

In the new MAGA Republican era, TDS is similarly used to discredit others by saying that opposing arguments are based merely on an intense hatred of all things Trump. It stands for Trump Derangement Syndrome. My reply to the TDS name-caller was to provide a reasoned argument. This was essentially a waste of time. I said, “I don't hate Donald Trump, I just find him unworthy of the public trust. Those who are willing to overlook his many faults because he gives lip service to their deeply held beliefs are short-sighted. The man is not religious, doesn't respect women, is rude, and is criminally negligent when it comes to our national security.” Her reply, “more TDS.”

I think I must change my tactics and start communicating with these people in a language they understand. I will just create new fiction and present it as fact. These people follow QAnon and believe all that this enigma, living in the ether of the digital underworld, spouts. The more outrageous it sounds the faster it spreads and the more deeply these people believe the lies. So, let me try my hand at QAnon-level fiction…,

Donald J. Trump was born in a Salem Oregon psychiatric hospital and was the lovechild of Randle Patrick McMurphy and Nurse Ratched. He came into this world with a vestigial bifurcated tail. When the orange bloviator first made his earthly presence known, the nurses all gathered ‘round, and they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found. The head nurse spoke up, said leave this one alone, she could tell right away, that he was bad to the bone. [apologies to George Thorogood]

The decision to “leave this one alone,” also meant that his vestigial tail would be left in place. The five-inch appendage would come in handy later in life as The Donald could now screw people in two directions at the same time.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Growing up in a psychiatric hospital would also come in handy when he later made his entry into politics. When he was only five years old, Donald snuck into the electroconvulsive therapy room and pleasured himself with 800 milliamperes of direct current to his tail. While this would have caused severe brain damage in normal humans, The Donald was not normal. He became disruptive, even more so than the actual patients. His tantrums were legendary, and he had a strange fascination with the top secret patient medical records. The decision was made to give him up for adoption.

He was shipped to Roy Cohn because Cohn had served as chief counsel during Joseph McCarthy’s trial, and Joe was the first cousin once removed of Randle McMurphy. Roy Cohn was also the lawyer for Fred Trump who had expressed a need for a fourth child for tax purposes. The Donald was provided with false papers and would ever after be known as Donald Trump.

Jaba the Hut

I’m putting this out there as a fact. Any doubters will have to provide a truckload of evidence to the contrary and, in true QAnon fashion, I still won’t believe them. I also have it on good authority that Q’s real name is Jabba Desilijic Tiure, aka Jabba the Hutt. He champions morbid obesity, corruption, and corporate greed, otherwise known as all the finer qualities of the Trump empire.