Upon learning of Queen Elizabeth’s death, Donald Trump responded:
“That was supposed to be my job, but she stole it in June of 1953. It was a fake coronation and everybody at Westminster Abbey knows it. King George VI was my father and Queen Victoria was my great-grandmother who I called Vicky. I will send copies of my birth certificate as soon as the ink dries. I have notified the British authorities that I intend to assume my position as king, and I plan to immediately move into Buckingham Palace which I will rename Trump-a-Lago. I want to inspect the crown jewels upon my arrival as they will be sold at an eBay auction to cover my legal expenses here in America. To sweeten the pot, I plan to bring over 28 boxes of Top-Secret US documents that will go on display in the lobby of Trump-a-Lago. I have attached a photograph that is to be released showing the huge crowds at the former Buckingham Palace during my coronation. Please don’t release this picture until after the ceremony because if it got out, I would have to explain the circumstances and while I am fully capable of that, it would be a bother. Please have Kiera Knightley, Kate Middleton, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Emma Watson, Kate Beckinsale, and Elizabeth Hurley stand by for inspection as I plan to select one to be my queen. I would also like the name of Boris Johnson’s hair stylist as I am wanting a new look. I will be appointing J.K. Rowling as my secretary of state and senior press secretary as she can really tell some whoppers. She can begin by working on a new logo as MGBGA doesn't sound right and the little red hats cost more with the extra letters.”
His Most Supreme Majesty,
King Trump I
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