After dropping charges against Olympian David Hearn for vandalizing the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool, Jeanine Pirro has now filed new indictments. Ms. Pirro was quoted as saying, “On or about June 21, 2026, a date which will live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of the Peoples Sauropsida Army.” She went on to say that new evidence supports that it was a coordinated amphibious and air assault on the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool that caused all the damage. She also claimed, in true Trumpian fashion, that the size and scope of this attack had not been seen since the Allied Forces landed on the beaches of Normandy.
Ms. Pirro is filing new charges against a family of Antifa Ducks. The ducks are members of ANW or Antifa Ninja Warriors, a “wing” of the People’s Sauropsida Amphibious Army or PSAA. Also included in the indictments were four turtles identified as Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo. The assault went unnoticed at first, and the dead ducks found floating in the pool the morning after the June 21st assault were thought to have been killed by snail parasites. It has now been confirmed that the ducks were killed in an accident when one of the Jewish space lasers they were using during the operation misfired.
To assist with the investigation, the National Parks Service enlisted the help of RFK Jr., an expert in the field of dead animals. He removed the ducks and now has them in his freezer at home. He plans to conduct a thorough investigation over dinner using a special sauce made of fresh orange juice, vanilla beans, star anise, and maple syrup. We await his scholarly findings.
It seems that during this coordinated attack by the Antifa Ducks and Ninja Turtles, they used Jewish space lasers to cut the reflecting pool liner following creases left in the bottom by President Trump’s motorcade when he first inspected the $16M Resurfacing and Beautification Project. While the Antifa Ducks cut the liner, the Ninja Turtles used their Mutagen Ooze, a radioactive green goo that helps these ordinary pet turtles transform into giant smart commandos. It was that Mutagen Ooze and not algae that caused the green slime seen in the reflecting pool.
Ms. Pirro says that even though the Ninja Turtles are teenagers, they will be tried as adults. A salt 'n pepper team of two ducks has been formally identified as terrorists. They go by Daffy and Donald. It is thought that both the ducks and the turtles are also members of the South American gang Tren de Aqua. Their immigration status is unknown, but ICE has now been authorized to kill or deport anything resembling a duck or a turtle. Financing for the assault was handled by Scrooge McDuck. Also included in the indictment being handed down, were warrants for Huey, Dewey, and Louie, thought to be juvenile accomplices.
It has been further confirmed that recent corporate investments in A.I. had nothing to do with Artificial Intelligence as it was all a cover for investments in Antifa International. It seems that this whole fiasco has been a wide-scale comic cartoonish conspiracy involving Disney, Warner Bros., and Paramount Global. At the head of this cartoon army is Howard the Duck, an ill-tempered, cigar-smoking, and sarcastic anthropomorphic alien waterfowl.
Donald Trump (no relation to the duck) has said he will get to the bottom of this fowl deed. As turtles are involved, he will await the return of Mitch McConnell since they have an ancestral connection. Mitch is keeping a low profile since ICE has a shoot to kill order for anything that looks like a turtle. Trump is very mad at Jeanine Pirro who announced that an Olympian canoeist was responsible. Trump is quoted as saying, “How dare she accuse someone without proof, that’s my job.”
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