I have obtained information, verified from several sources whom I am not at liberty to identify, that provide previously undisclosed details of the soon to be released Mueller Report. This is for your eyes only. Do not share beyond your closest Facebook friends, their immediate relatives, and certainly not beyond neighbors of their third cousins.
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| Robert Mueller |
While Robert Mueller and his team have been diligent in maintaining the secrecy of the contents of the final report, I have discovered some startling facts. Like the New Testament, the Old Testament, the Koran, the Talmud, the U.S. Constitution, the Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence, the Mueller report will have words. Unlike the first four documents in this list, those words will be written in English. Therein lays the problem. English, as we who think we understand the language will admit, is a complex and convoluted communication tool complete with challenges beyond most normal human comprehension. Most certainly, English is well beyond the cognition of our “beloathed” president. [new word coinage:“beloathed” shall come to mean the opposite of beloved and will generate feelings of intense dislike or disgust]
English has homonyms and it has homophones. Now, Trump and his followers will believe that homonyms are songs sung in gay churches and that a homophone is a gay communication device. The rest of us understand that they are but two terms that partially explain the fact that English words can be confusing. We have words like to, too, and two, that are pronounced alike but are used in very different ways. President Trump doesn’t use them correctly but he does use them all. We all know that a dog can bark at a tree but is he barking at the bark on the tree and if the dog leaves are there any left on the tree? We have words like a bow, which can mean the front of a ship, a weapon to shoot arrows, or what you do in front of a queen. You see the first two examples in this list are heteronyms while the ship and queen bow references are both homonyms and homophones. Confused yet?
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| Close up of the Russia Probe |
You just know that Trump, with his third-grade vocabulary and total lack of interest in reading anything longer than a 280-character tweet, will never get to read the Mueller Report. Trump will, however, be provided a comprehensive summary which has already been written by his White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckleberry Sanders. Since Sarah will be retiring in January to pursue other interests, the report summary had to be written in advance of its release. We have obtained an exclusive copy of the summary which simply states, “No collusion, no collusion, it was a witch hunt all along. A total witch hunt.”
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| Sarah Huckleberry Sanders |
In her retirement, we are told Mrs. Sanders will be the new voice of Maleficent for the planned Disney remake of Sleeping Beauty. As an evil fairy and the self-proclaimed “Mistress of All Evil,” the role will not be much of a stretch for the multi-talented Mrs. Sanders. We are also told that Sarah will be acquiring a Burger King franchise. With her experience as an official spokesperson for Donald Trump’s White House, she will be very comfortable at “The Home of the Whopper.” She plans to open her new Burger King across the street from the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia where she was refused service in June of 2018.
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| Home of the Whopper |
Meanwhile, back at the Mueller investigative report, while we have divulged that the report will contain words, the next question will be which words? Donald Trump said at a rally in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, “I know words” and “I have the best words.” Mueller, on the other hand, also knows words and the report is known to have phrases like, “The party of the first part, aka Mr. Orange, is the yet unindicted conspirator,” “witnesseth,” “whereas,” and “further affiant sayeth naught.” It has been reported that four of the authors of the report are Byzantine scholars who will make second-rate lawyers like Rudy Giuliani have their eyeballs roll back in their heads.
The Mueller Report, aka the Russia Probe, and Bob’s Big Reveal, will be published in 2019, but it will not see the light of day at its release. I have obtained a copy of the first page of the report after a few redactions by Republican senators. It can only be described as a white page with 27 black rectangles.
Behind the black rectangles you will find the good stuff; a Russian troll factory, Hillary’s missing emails, the floorplan of President Putin’s penthouse in Trump Tower Moscow, Trump’s German bank account filled with rubles, and the words, “ I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids”. Actually, that last thing was a quote from Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. I love that movie and just wanted to work it in somehow.
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| A scene from Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove Eirily pertinent at this point in history |
In reality, the Report will not draw conclusions but will merely present facts. Those facts will paint a picture but, as in all art, beauty and interpretation will be in the eye of the beholder. No matter what words are used, if you are Donald J. Trump it will say, no collusion. If you are Mitch McConnell it will say, “How long can I stall the release of this while I continue to get more “campaign donations” to fill my own bank account?” If you are Trump’s kids you will just skim read the whole thing looking for your own name. If you are Vladimir Putin it will say, I am a f***ing genius.
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| Early Celebration of the Report |
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