The United States Space Force; Mission Improbable

The United States Space Force
             Satire by Jack Dallas

Space Force Insignia
Crossed Golf Clubs and Signature Trump Golf Balls

Mission:  To visit the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Trump.  Its five-year mission, barring impeachment or being voted out of office in 2020, is to explore strange new worlds.  It is to seek out new Caucasian life and new White civilizations.  To boldly go where only 533 people have gone before!

The president has stated that first, we will go to the Moon.  We will build a large tower in the Mare Imbrium Basin.  The great expanse of flat lava fields will be perfect for the planned golf course.  Once completed, the basin will be renamed Mare-Lago Basin and the tower will be named after, “the greatest president the world has ever known.”  This person will be identified after a secret vote is held in the West Wing of the White House.

Alan Shepard Golfing on the Moon

The golf connection with The Space Force was originally hinted at when the official insignia and shield were revealed to have two pairs of crossed silver golf clubs and two Trump signature golf balls emblazoned in the design.  Trump’s fascination with a golf course on the Moon began after he heard that Alan Shepard hit what might have been a 2.5-mile chip shot with a six-iron on February 6, 1971.  

Video of Alan Shepard hitting golf balls on the Moon
February 6, 1971

Trump said he beat Shepard's record at Mar-a-Lago, but everyone was looking at Melania and it couldn't be verified.  His caddy was told to look for the ball at the Bonaventure Golf Club, some 3.64 miles away.  The ball was originally shot from the fourth hole of a 464-yard par 4.  Trump's caddy returned an hour later with a white Titleist Pro VI.  That was the brand of ball Trump was shooting so he declared he had beaten Shepard's Moon record.

Upon intense questioning and more than just a few beers later, the caddy confessed he found the ball in the Bonaventure Pro Shop.  He said it could have been Trump's ball but he was forced to buy the other 11 balls before leaving the shop.

Alan Shepard in Guantanamo shows Bob Hope his lunar golf club
Photo by Jack Dallas--December 31, 1971

The financing of the Lunar Tower Project and Country Club will be simple, “Mars will pay for it.”  As the president tweeted, “those Martians have been getting away without paying their fair share of space exploration for far too long.”  The president has long been anti-Martian and states that it goes back to those Bugs Bunny cartoons like Haredevil Hare and Hare-Way to the Stars and the Daffy Duck ones like Duck Dodgers.  On several occasions, Marvin the Martian tried to destroy the Earth with his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator (aka Illudium PU-36).  Trump tweeted that these weapons of mass destruction will not be tolerated and as soon as we can get to Mars with our own WMDs, we will defeat these backward Martians.  Trump plans a 15% tariff on Mars Bars until the Martians give up all of their PU-36s.  He warned his supporters at a recent rally in West Virginia that the Martians were comi8ng for their jobs and their women.

Marvin the Martian

Our return to the Moon is predicated on Trump’s belief that Mars is actually part of our Earth’s lunar satellite.  While scientists universally dispute this claim, Trump says that he heard this from Fox News so it is now a proven fact.  You can tell when Tucker Carlson is really concentrating on proven facts because his eyes move closer together and they will follow you around the room.

Tucker Carlson really concentrating on the facts.

Lunar Rocks

Trump has seen samples of lunar rock and stated that, “they are not green cheese as everyone believes, that’s FAKE NEWS, the rocks are really from Mars.”  When Trump heard the explanation that nobody believes the Moon is made of green cheese and that the phrase was from an old children’s fable about a simpleton who saw the Moon’s reflection in water and mistakes if for a round of green cheese, Trump asked, “What’s a simpleton?”  The stifled laughter in the room had its first casualties when Sarah Sanders fainted and Mike Pence had to leave the room after seeing her cleavage in the fall.  Sarah recovered quickly but Pence is now on a much-needed sabbatical.