The New-New Testament; The Bible According to Trump

The Book of Nemesis

The Trumpmandments

In the beginning and the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep, the U.S. Mint said, Let there be money: and there was money. And then, as day was divided into night, it came to pass that there was a great greed; and it was good. So sayeth Gordon Gekko, the fictional god of Wall Street.

Man took the money and greed and said, Let there be power, and there was power. Then money, greed, and power became the Holy Trinity and it was worshipped by those who follow the true path of corruption.  It would come to be called the Great Holy Trifecta. Using the great gift of greed in man, many would prosper and gather great wealth and with great wealth came great power to rule others and make the rules that all must follow.

Centuries after the creation of money, a new savior was born in New York City and His birth was foretold by a great light in the east.   This beacon was atop of the tower on the Empire State Building having been recently replaced after its removal in 1933 by King Kong. This savior would be born to parents who had acquired great sums of money through greed and abuse of power. The family was the embodiment of the Great Holy Trifecta of money, greed, and power. And thus, the Great Donald was born and he was rich.  No wise men visited as we all know The Donald is a genius and in need of no further enlightenment.

The new blonde savior would build tall towers to His glory and they would be named Trump Towers. He would place them in states and countries far and wide, in honor of his Holy Name. It came to pass one day that the new savior would seek to rule the country of His birth and He would convince enough people in three key states to win the presidency in 2016 YOT, the Year of Our Trump. It would be a miracle that, of the 250 million who voted, 107,000 people in three states would decide this election.


The Book of Trumperonomy

And it came to pass that Trump was now all-powerful and he would ascend to the penthouse in his tower to use his superior brain to develop a new set of commandments to replace the pesky ones that Moses brought down from Mount Horeb. As the savior, Trump pondered in his penthouse the vision of the new commandments as they appeared to him in a series of  Tweets and several Fox News broadcasts.  By executive order, He repealed the outdated Moses commandments.  And thus, the New Ten Commandments were born and would be forever called The Trumpmandments. To wit:



The Trumpmandments

1. I am Lord Trump, and thou shalt not have any strange presidents before me; who aren’t named Putin.
2. Thou shalt not slander the name of Trump or you should be prepared for a Tweet-Storm the likes of which the world has never seen.
3. Remember to keep holy Golf Day; which may be any day with a “Y” in the name.  All such rounds should be played on a Trump-owned course of course.
4. Honor thy father and mother, but only if they have money and keep you in their will.
5. Thou shalt not kill without profit.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery; unless of course, she is smoking hot and you have a great prenup.
7. Thou shalt not steal unless nobody is looking, you aren’t caught, and/or you happen to have a good law firm on retainer.
8. Thou shalt not tell a lie or bear false witness against your neighbor; just joking on that one; we all know Truth is not Truth and you can’t believe your lying eyes and ears.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife; see Trumpmandment #7 for exceptions.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods; just take what you want and have a good lawyer; you might want to avoid any named Rudy.

Devil's Museum in Kaunas, Lithuania

There was an evil in all of Christendom that went by many names.  He is Satan, Beelzebub, and Lucifer, and he came to visit the earth during the Time of Trump and he wisely said, “My work here is done.”