Wrestling is Essential in Florida

N-95 Masked Avenger

Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis, has declared World Wrestling Entertainment an essential business.  The governor has seen the light and has had a religious epiphany with regard to this holy organization known as World Wrestling Entertainment, aka WWE.  “Wrestling is like a mega-church, a real religion that just happens to worship Spandex,” proclaimed Governor Ron.

Gov. Ron has $een the light and it is $$$$

It was a sign from above or at least a call from his bank that brought about this change of heart.  It seems that the American First Action political action committee, which is chaired by WWE owner Vince McMahon’s wife, Linda, announced a total of $18.5 million in television advertising spending in the Orlando ($11.3 million) and Tampa ($7.1 million) media markets.  The money will be used for pro-Trump broadcast advertising from Labor Day through Election Day. The $18.5 million Republican ad buy was made on the same day as the declaration of WWE as an “essential service.”  This must be a holy coincidence.

In accordance with the guidelines, the WWE can’t have a ringside audience.  Only the wrestlers, referees, medical personnel, cameramen, announcers, the guy who rings the bell, sound engineers, video production staff, prop makers, and janitors to mop up the blood can be present.  With recommended social distancing, a 20’ wrestling ring could accommodate a tag-team but the tag-up would have to be on the honor system. A great many of the wrestlers already wear masks so that might help. Body slams, airplane spins, headlocks, power slams, powerbombs, backbreakers, brain busters, Boston crabs, facebusters, neck breakers, piledrivers, figure-fours, and leg drops will all have to be self-inflicted and acted out by the recipient. So, as luck would have it, not much will need to change.

One suggestion to expand the venue for diehard fans would be to have a Zoom Smackdown.  It would allow up to nine participants at a time to enter a Zoom Cage Match that would be similar to the traditional event of the same name.  In this version, participants would sign into the Zoom meeting and use trash-talk to intimidate opponents.  This is already a key ingredient for traditional wrestling so fans should be overjoyed.  This virtual Smackdown would be just like the real thing.  It would be like Hollywood Squares with wrestlers using strong language, but strictly within Christian values.  The Zoom Smackdown would allow both male and female verbal athletes to participate at the same level. 

Zoom Meeting

We can expect exchanges like this exchange between Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Undertaker:

 Stone Cold: "Undertaker you come out here talking about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul..you hit me in the head with a shovel..you tried to embalm me..and none of that worked..in the ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin at Rock Bottom you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

And who can forget this classic rant by The Raven:

"..I sat home for 5 weeks alone with my own pain, misery, and self-loathing as i lay around the house i thought 'WHAT HAD BECOME OF ME?!?' then one day i look at a dusty drawer that i haven't looked at in years and i pull out my leather jacket, my jean shorts, and my flannel and i saw the Raven that i used to be, a Raven that was barbaric..a Raven that was ruthless..a Raven who didn't care about anybody or anything! including himself...i forgot all about this Raven..i started caring about people..Jim Mitchell, i thank you cuz you made me remember THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER FORGET what brought you to the dance.Jim Mitchell, i will take your bloody intestines and shove them down your throat with a rusty fork while your being sodomized by your own sidekicks - Julio and Punk and then it will be Julio's turn and then it will be Punk's..and then Jeff Jarrett, i'm comin for the title...Jim Mitchell, i can smell the fear in you..i think you hear me knockin! I think i'm comin in! Quoth the Raven, nevermore!"

Who can forget the 2019 classic between Lil Donald and Uncle Kim where they flexed their nuclear muscles.

Lil Donald vs Uncle Kim

So, in his ultimate Republican wisdom, Ron DeSantis has declared WWE an essential business in Florida.  $18 million of advertising certainly meets the Republican definition of what qualifies as a business worthy of government support.