Welcome to TrumpWorld, the latest mega-attraction in the Orlando area where you too can act like a narcissistic billionaire.  You enter TrumpWorld through a replica of Mar-a-Lago. Your $225 entry fee gets you $1,000 in Trump-Bucks that you can spend for rides and at concession stands. Don’t worry about running out of the Trump cash because you can always borrow as much as you want at the Russian and Chinese banks located conveniently around the amusement areas.

TrumpWorld Entrance

Just beyond the entrance is the Wedding Chapel where you can take your pick from a delightful collection of virtual East European supermodel brides. You can marry her and then feel free to cheat at any of the porn-star themed hotels on the premises.  Real hookers are readily available in the lobby of each hotel and don't forget to visit any of our nearby massage parlors.  They all accept Trump-Bucks. If you were already married when you arrived, you may look to your left, next to the chapel entrance, to find the law firm of Shyster and Shyster. At Shyster and Shyster, they never met a situation they couldn’t make worse.  Rudy Giuliani and Michael Cohen are both on the board of Shyster and Shyster and helped set up your virtual prenup.  Remember too that you are now a virtual rich celebrity and you can approach any female and grab them.., well, you know where.

World Famous Chapel of Trump, Law firm of Shyster and Shyster is next door

We recommend that you visit our Hall of Presidents where you will meet this nation’s two legitimate presidents. Yes, both Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States of America, and Donald Trump, president of the Un-United States of America, are part of your experience. Through the use of advanced animatronics, both of our beloved presidents come to life. In the case of Donald Trump, you can’t tell the difference between the machine and the real thing, although some claim the attraction’s replica is a bit smarter. Here you will find out about the malaria connection between these two great men. Yes, Jefferson Davis and his new bride contracted malaria and his wife died just three months after their nuptials. In Trump’s case, he has been touting Chloroquine, an anti-malaria drug, to fight COVID-19. For the convenience of park guests, Chloroquine gumball machines are located at key locations throughout the park.

Hall of Presidents:  Jefferson Davis, Donald Trump, "Puckerin' Pence" (lower right)

At the Hall of Presidents, you will also meet Alexander Stephens, the Vice President of the Confederate States of America. His animatronic figure stands proudly beside Davis. Mike Pence’s replica is a bit harder to spot as it sits on a stool behind Trump where he repeats, “Donald Trump is the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life, and even now I feel that way - this minute.” He then leans forward and kisses Trump’s tuchus. When robot Mike was out for repair, the real Bill Barr worked as a stand-in and hardly anyone noticed the difference.

Get 2 doses of Chloroquine for One Trump-Buck

After visiting with the presidents, you may want to go to the Trump Tower of Terror. It is here you will take a fast ride in an elevator up to the 68th-floor penthouse. This would be fine except for the fact that, just like the real Trump Tower in New York, this building only has 58 floors. The floor numbers just lie like their owner. The elevator flies up wildly for those non-existent 10 floors and it is then pulled back by bungee cords to the actual 58th floor. Here you will exit the elevator and you will be strapped into a seat at a conference table where you will be forced to watch and listen to a 3D film of Donald Trump praising himself for the next twenty minutes. Then, just when you didn’t think you could stand the horror any longer, in walks Rudy Giuliani who proceeds to explain how facts aren’t facts anymore. Your conference chair is then pulled along a track to the 58th-floor window where you are hurled out only to be saved by a window washer platform at the 57th-floor level. This is the end of your ride and you must now walk down 57 flights of stairs to the ground. Feel the terror as your knees tremble.

Trump Tower of Terror

Now it should be time for a more relaxing ride. Might we recommend, It’s a Large World?” Similar in concept to Disney’s It’s a Small World; nothing in TrumpWorld is going to be anything but the biggest the world has ever seen. Large World is a water-based boat ride where passengers are transported around the country to see the impact our namesake has made on planet earth, but with a more nationalistic viewpoint. You will float along a Gulf of Mexico coastline to visit an oil spill complete with dead fish and oil-covered birds. You will float down the Sacramento River to witness the choking wildfires that were brought about by California’s lack of sufficient raking of the forest floor. You will travel up the St. Lucie River where you can count the dead manatee killed by the algae blooms from the wholly-necessary but uncontrolled sugar and agricultural fertilizer runoff. There is a turn up ahead; we are now floating across Sarkar Lake in the Alaskan Tongass National Forest where we will bid a fond farewell to the trees.  These green giants will soon be open to logging with the encouragement of our beloved president. Just remember forest fires can be prevented but only if there are no trees.

Twenty Trump-Bucks

If you get hungry, there are Burger Kings and KFC nearby where your Trump-Bucks are welcome. Choose your poison and let the mayonnaise or chicken grease run down your chin just like a true billionaire. You’ll need all the energy you can muster because, next stop, the Main Street Parade.

Eat like a billionaire

Unlike the Disney Main Street Electrical Parade, this parade requires guest participation. First, you need to rent your Sturmabteilung outfit. Actually, the uniform is the "Braunhemden" or Nazi Brownshirt, and you can rent it with or without a tiki torch.  We had to discontinue the Confederate flag rentals for the Nazi march because the flaming tiki torches caused a fire hazard and the soot they produced made it hard to identify true White Supremacists.  By marching in the parade, you will get to shout out your very own racial, religious, and ethnic slurs without fear of retribution. Just know that you will be marching with some “very fine people, on both sides.” Who else would shell out $225 to visit TrumpWorld other than other like-minded racists?

Make sure you rent your official "Braunhemden" Brownshirt before the march, tiki torches are extra but come with enough fuel for up to two hours of festive marching.

If you miss the Main Street Nazi March, fear not. You can always wait for the midnight KKK March and Cross Burning. Just rent your Klan robes at our convenient store (or bring your own from home) and meet like-minded racists at the bottom of the hill on the north side of the park. You can also rent racist rant posterboard signs with most of the words spelled correctly. Use our signs and people will think you actually made it through high school. At midnight, you will get to march up the hill shouting racial epithets at the top of your lungs. Everyone will then meet at the top for the nightly burning of the cross. Lynchings are no longer allowed because, as we found out, even Florida has a few laws.

Rent an official Klan robe at our store and for that "special someone" you can even get a Grand Dragon outfit along with a thoughtful racist slogan sign with most of the words spelled correctly.  Confederate flags are extra, 

This concludes our day at TrumpWorld. This is a new and ever-expanding attraction. Construction has already started on our West Virginia Coal Mine Experience where visitors will get to enjoy the thrill of working in choking heat below ground with the ever-present threat of collapse. Now that safety precautions have been relaxed in the real mines, this true to life exhibit will bring with it even more danger. Bring your own hard hats but only if you are a wuss.