The Last Undecided Voters in America

After an exhaustive study, the political research group of Dewey, Foolem, and Howe, has determined that there are three registered voters who are still undecided in this election.  You will remember that it was D, F, & H, who predicted the Clinton win, except that it was Hillary in 2016 and not Bill in 1992. You can therefore take their research with a large block of salt.

 

The research made some initial assumptions before they began.  Anyone who sent their Klan robes to the dry cleaners for soot removal more than quarterly was assumed to be in the Trump camp.  Likewise, kindergarten dropouts, members of both the Aryan Nation and the National Association for the Advancement of White People, along with various skinhead folks were considered to be MAGA-hatters.  Anyone with more than three convictions for wife-beating, those on the sexual predators list, or anyone with more than 15 sexual assault charges, were also given a pass with certain assumptions being made.

D, F & H also decided that anyone with at least an average IQ and a conscience would be voting for Joe Biden.  So, once they eliminated all the aforementioned groups, they began their research.  What they found was a total of three undecided registered voters.

First there was Mr. George Whipple who many know from the “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” commercials.  Mr. Whipple is really Dick Wilson who played George the Grocer on television.  In a 1970s survey, Mr. Whipple’s face was the third most recognizable in North America behind President Richard Nixon and evangelist Billy Graham.  George is undecided because he died in 2007 at the age of 91 and never knew Donald Trump.  He is still a registered voter in California, so a posthumous vote will probably be cast in his honor for Joe Biden. This assumption is being made because it was Donald Trump who was responsible for America running out of Charmin earlier this year.

 

Don't squeeze my Charmin

The next person on our undecided list is Dan Cooper.  Mr. Cooper’s indecisiveness is probably due to having lived off the grid for the last 48 years.  You see, Dan Cooper is also known as D.B. Cooper who, in 1971, extorted $200,000 from Northwest Orient Airlines and then parachuted from his hijacked Boeing 727.  Mr. Cooper had been living in a shack on the side of Mt. St. Helens until his landlord, Mother Nature, decided to evict him in May of 1980 with an eruption that got his attention.  Having avoided detection and arrest for nine years, Mr. Cooper decided to move closer to civilization and relocated to Jarbridge, Nevada, population 181.  The town is situated in a large green valley and its main attraction is the Jordan Crater Field that is just a field with craters in it.  Mr. Cooper has a fondness for craters.  When asked about his political preference between Trump and Biden, Mr. Cooper said he was leaning toward Trump because, as he put it, “we criminals have to stick together.”  He remains undecided however because much of what Mr. Trump has done makes him physically ill.

 

The DB Cooper Getaway Vacation

 Our last entrant is Lorena Bobbitt who is still as divided as her husband was from his penis in June of 1993.  She claims to be a person of conflicting thoughts.  Sure, she separated John Wayne from his favorite pastime, but she did tell the police where to find it.  They were able to locate IT in the overgrown roadside grass and then put it on ice in a Big Bite hot dog box (fact) from a nearby 7-11 and rush it to the hospital where JW was anxiously waiting to be reunited with his little friend.  To decide her vote, Lorena stated that she would really like to get better acquainted with Mr. Trump to see if he is everything he has bragged about for years.  The Donald, desperate for votes is considering her offer even though he knows the risks involved.

Lorena Bobbitt

 

Well, the rest of us, unlike these three, have already made up our minds.  In riding my bicycle through my neighborhood this morning, I spotted three Joe Biden 2020 signs, three Trump 2020 signs, and one Wu-Tang is Forever 2020 sign.  There you have it.  Remember to vote early and vote often.

 

 

VOTE FOR DONALD J. TRUMP

I recommend that you vote for our incumbent president, Donald J. Trump, but do this only if you believe in his plans for this nation moving forward.  He is no longer an enigma.  While he sometimes obfuscates his direction with contradictory statements, he has made certain things abundantly clear.  You should be careful in your selection, as you must support his whole agenda.  You can’t cherry-pick a singular reason and make that the entirety of your criteria.  He is a package deal and there are no returns or refunds if you, the consumer, make a mistake.  For your convenience I have outlined some of the more critical platform planks of the New Trump Republic that should weigh heavily in your decision process.

You should vote for Donald J. Trump if you too believe that:

• Climate Change is inevitable and of no immediate concern.  The wildfires in the western states are the result of poor forest management and have nothing to do with the warming of our planet.  We have always had hurricanes and we regularly run through our own alphabet and need to go into the Greek letter names like Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, etc.  The shrinking of the polar ice caps is of little importance except for rich people who live along the coasts and they will certainly get the government to use our tax dollars to protect their investments.  That, of course, would not be socialism, it’s just the way things work.  The poor folks who live in coastal areas will just need to adapt to a new aquatic life.
  
• The Fossil Fuel Industry must be protected at all costs because oil and coal are what made this country great.  Fracking has also made natural gas our friend and its expansion has made us energy independent.  Sure, the methane released during fracking is 84 times worse than CO2 in trapping heat, but it dissipates after only a dozen years or so.  We can't rely on the sun; what happens at night and when it's cloudy?  You can't use wind power because windmills cause cancer.
  
• Renewable Energy is a joke and not worth our effort.  We should let other countries make the advancements in this growing market.  The predicted 24 million jobs in the global renewable energy field don’t belong here in the US as we will continue to make advancements in oil, gas, and coal.  We need to get our workers back in the coalmines and back on the oil rigs and not working in factories building new technology or working as installers.
  
• The SARS COV2 pandemic is no worse than the flu that kills thousands every year.  In the next couple of years, we will have reached the 60% threshold for herd immunity if we continue to ignore the scientists and just go about our lives without masks or social distancing.  About 10% of our population has already contracted the disease and it only cost us 215,000 lives.  To reach the minimum 60% level would mean that only another one million people will have to die before we see this thing start to die off (pun intended).  The Trump administration has privately adopted herd immunity as its national policy.  We need to trust our politicians who certainly know more than those scientists and medical professionals.  Donald, Melania, and Barron have all had the disease and they survived with just a dedicated team of doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and technicians.  They had a customized floor of a hospital complex and an in-home medical facility that would be the envy of many small cities.  For those who may have lost their medical coverage when they were laid off, there is always bleach and veterinary steroids that can be purchased on the black market.
  
• Immigrant Children needed to be separated from their families to send a message.  In fact, Melania Trump was caught on a "hot mike" saying that the kids are "being treated nicely and are happy to be in custody since they sleep on the floor in their native countries anyway."  If anyone knows about making extreme sacrifices with their sleeping arrangements, there is no better expert than Melania Trump.
  
• We don’t need those old European Allies of the past and we are much better off aligning ourselves with the true world powers like China and Russia.  The global economy is a joke, and we can go it alone.  Sure, our European allies came in handy during World War II but what have they done for us lately?  We need to adopt authoritarian rule because this democracy experiment has slowed our progress to a halt.
  
• We need to get back to building that Border Wall.  The estimates of $21.6 billion and 3.5 years for construction were perhaps a bit optimistic and Mexico’s check to pay us for the wall must have bounced.  Trump, in four years, has repaired, replaced, and built some new fencing to the tune of 110 miles.  That means he only has 1,884 miles to go.  Since the Mexican funding plan seems to have fallen through, certainly taking the money earmarked for our military schools and the replacement of sub-standard base housing to build the wall was a good decision. 
• White Nationalism is merely another word for American Patriotism.  We can’t let down our guard and be overrun by “those people.”  We hear our president loud and clear.  He supports us in our efforts, and we will be “standing by.”  Our militias await his command.  We’ve been waiting for years to have a leader who understands our white Christian minority.  If we need to resort to anarchy to make America safe for white Christians then it may be time to "lock 'n load."
  
• Our Constitution was well intended but it needs to be interpreted by a strong Attorney General who can look at it with a fresh set of eyes to put a more conservative spin on those tired old words.  We need to pack the courts, particularly the Supreme Court, with folks who think the “right” way.  The president is a busy man and shouldn't be bothered with complicated legal stuff that just gets in his way.  He needs to be above the law.  His financial endeavors should be able to benefit from his presidency because of all the sacrifices he has made.
  
• Morality has never been a strong suit in politics, and we need to get over the little peccadillo's of our elected leader.  Who hasn't cheated on each of his three wives with porn stars and centerfolds?  If a billionaire hasn't been accused of sexual assault by at least 26 women he can't call himself a man.  Donald Trump has also picked people who know how to get things done even if they must break the law to make a difference.  Steve Bannon, Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, Michael Cohen, and George Papadopoulos were all guilty of breaking the law but surely, they meant well.  Advancing your financial position by using your political position used to be something politicians did in smoke-filled backrooms.  Trump has taken this time-honored tradition to a new level and does so openly. 
• Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid create an unnecessary burden on wage earners and should be abolished.  These are socialist schemes to allow the poor and elderly get a free ride.  Old folks should have saved their own money and invested in the stock market to help them in retirement.  Poor people should pack themselves off to college so they can become contributors to our great economy.  Sure unemployment has recently hit close to 15% but it hit 25% during the Great Depression and they all survived.
  
• Obamacare aka The Affordable Care Act should also be abolished immediately.  People need to take responsibility for their own health.  Get a job with healthcare benefits and try not to have any preexisting conditions that would mess things up for everybody else.  Donald Trump has a plan to replace the ACA, but he wants to keep it secret until after the ACA has been repealed.  When has Donald Trump ever lied to you?
  

Yes, these are but a few of the many reasons you should strongly consider when casting your ballot.  If you hold with all of these ideals you should vote for Donald J Trump.  If more than one of these things made you gag, congratulations.  You might just want to reconsider your choice.