After an exhaustive study, the political research group of Dewey, Foolem, and Howe, has determined that there are three registered voters who are still undecided in this election. You will remember that it was D, F, & H, who predicted the Clinton win, except that it was Hillary in 2016 and not Bill in 1992. You can therefore take their research with a large block of salt.
The research made some initial assumptions before they began. Anyone who sent their Klan robes to the dry cleaners for soot removal more than quarterly was assumed to be in the Trump camp. Likewise, kindergarten dropouts, members of both the Aryan Nation and the National Association for the Advancement of White People, along with various skinhead folks were considered to be MAGA-hatters. Anyone with more than three convictions for wife-beating, those on the sexual predators list, or anyone with more than 15 sexual assault charges, were also given a pass with certain assumptions being made.
D, F & H also decided that anyone with at least an average IQ and a conscience would be voting for Joe Biden. So, once they eliminated all the aforementioned groups, they began their research. What they found was a total of three undecided registered voters.
First there was Mr. George Whipple who many know from the “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” commercials. Mr. Whipple is really Dick Wilson who played George the Grocer on television. In a 1970s survey, Mr. Whipple’s face was the third most recognizable in North America behind President Richard Nixon and evangelist Billy Graham. George is undecided because he died in 2007 at the age of 91 and never knew Donald Trump. He is still a registered voter in California, so a posthumous vote will probably be cast in his honor for Joe Biden. This assumption is being made because it was Donald Trump who was responsible for America running out of Charmin earlier this year.
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| Don't squeeze my Charmin |
The next person on our undecided list is Dan Cooper. Mr. Cooper’s indecisiveness is probably due to having lived off the grid for the last 48 years. You see, Dan Cooper is also known as D.B. Cooper who, in 1971, extorted $200,000 from Northwest Orient Airlines and then parachuted from his hijacked Boeing 727. Mr. Cooper had been living in a shack on the side of Mt. St. Helens until his landlord, Mother Nature, decided to evict him in May of 1980 with an eruption that got his attention. Having avoided detection and arrest for nine years, Mr. Cooper decided to move closer to civilization and relocated to Jarbridge, Nevada, population 181. The town is situated in a large green valley and its main attraction is the Jordan Crater Field that is just a field with craters in it. Mr. Cooper has a fondness for craters. When asked about his political preference between Trump and Biden, Mr. Cooper said he was leaning toward Trump because, as he put it, “we criminals have to stick together.” He remains undecided however because much of what Mr. Trump has done makes him physically ill.
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| The DB Cooper Getaway Vacation |
Our last entrant is Lorena Bobbitt who is still as divided as her husband was from his penis in June of 1993. She claims to be a person of conflicting thoughts. Sure, she separated John Wayne from his favorite pastime, but she did tell the police where to find it. They were able to locate IT in the overgrown roadside grass and then put it on ice in a Big Bite hot dog box (fact) from a nearby 7-11 and rush it to the hospital where JW was anxiously waiting to be reunited with his little friend. To decide her vote, Lorena stated that she would really like to get better acquainted with Mr. Trump to see if he is everything he has bragged about for years. The Donald, desperate for votes is considering her offer even though he knows the risks involved.
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| Lorena Bobbitt |
Well, the rest of us, unlike these three, have already made up our minds. In riding my bicycle through my neighborhood this morning, I spotted three Joe Biden 2020 signs, three Trump 2020 signs, and one Wu-Tang is Forever 2020 sign. There you have it. Remember to vote early and vote often.
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