Donald Trump Act II

With the realization that his life is about to change, Donald John Trump has begun to ponder his next move. After binge-watching all 10 episodes in season 4 of The Crown, he decided he wants to be king. With the mental wheels properly greased with Adderall, he figures this to be the next logical step. It would solve many of his problems both emotional and legal. Like most of his major moves, the decision was made long before the mechanics and long-term impacts were considered.

 

Trump as he sees himself

 

 

Before announcing such a bold move however, he decided to do more research on the pros and cons of being a royal monarch. His previous decision to become president didn’t work out like he thought. People wanted him to actually solve problems, make good decisions, and lead a country. You know, real work, and all for a paltry $400,000 a year. This time he wanted more, a lot more. After watching ten hours of The Crown, he saw that even that job, one that sounded so regal, might be a bother if not done right. He needed to do more research but, since he has a short attention span and can’t read more than a few lines at a time, movies came to mind. 

 

He called his brain trust. He got on a Zoom call with Rudy Giuliani, Roger Stone, Ghislaine Maxwell, and George Nader. What an auspicious group. Sex-offenders, convicted felons, and a lawyer who was convinced that any place calling itself the Four Seasons had to be classy. Holding that press conference in the parking lot of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping between the crematorium and sex-shop must have seemed like a good idea at the time. How could you go wrong with advice from this group? They all decided that Trump should watch Caligula to get a sense of how being king might be more fun.

 

Giuliani Press Conference at Four Seasons (Total Landscaping)

 

For those of you not into erotic historical drama from the late 70s, Caligula was intended to be a pornographic film of social significance. It was produced by Penthouse Magazine’s Bob Guccione, and featured Penthouse Pets as extras performing un-simulated sex scenes. That last descriptor just means they were really doing it. Trump’s dream team decided to have the film edited for him to avoid the part where Caligula goes to jail and wanders the streets of Rome as a beggar. They also cut the final scene where Caligula is murdered by Chaerea. What would be left would be the part where Caligula eventually proclaims himself to be a god, works to destroy the senate that he loathes, the senator’s wives are forced into prostitution, estates are confiscated, and the army is sent on a fake invasion of Britain. Such fun, where do I sign?

 

Movie Caligula

 

 

So, the path is now clear to our wannabe god, Donald Trump. Go from president, to king, to god. A clear path for a maniacal ego. First things first, got to be king. That should be easy, you’ve done such things before. Just tweet that you are now king of North America and maybe follow it up with an Executive Order and a big signing ceremony in the Oval Office. Schedule the signing ceremony on Christmas Day and hold your coronation on January 20th to steal the thunder from that fake president Biden. Just the thought of it all makes your red tie grow longer.

 

The plan is now baked, it is completely baked. You will be king of North America and will expand your realm to Canada and Mexico. Now, as king of Mexico, you can get the Mexicans to build the wall for you. Mexicans are certainly cheaper than that American labor. As king of Canada you can also begin to expel all of those foreigners who speak French. After all, the only thing the French ever got right was the guillotine. They built that oil derrick in Paris but never got a drop of oil. And what about a queen? Sure, Melania can be an “acting queen” until you have time to find a suitable young replacement. Let the drooling begin.

 

Mar-a-Lago will be your palace, and nobody can take a king to court. You are the king, and it is you who hold court. You can wear one of those crown thingies and a MAGA robe if you want. People will have to bow and curtsy to you up front and not behind you kissing your ass. Lindsay Graham, Bill Barr, and Mitch McConnell spend their days back there and it’s better to have them up front where you can keep an eye on them. Ass kissing can quickly turn to ass biting and back stabbing. Yeah, up front is better. 

 

This is going to be a great second act. When you get tired of being king you can then declare yourself to be a god and you can get those evangelicals to send you money. Life is good when you are a king, or a god. As Buzz Lightyear would say, to infinity,...and beyond!

 

Woody and Buzz Lightyear look to infinity and beyond.