The Trumpandments

After Moses parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites to the promised land, he ascended Mt. Sinai to talk to God and received the Ten Commandments on stone tablets. In the modern version of this tale, we find that JD Vance parted the Potomac and walked into the Oval Office (aka the Oval Orifice), kissed the ring and the orifice, and received a new directive from the self-appointed American God, Donald J. Trump. It was basically an Executive Order named the Ten Trumpandments. These new laws would countermand, supersede, and replace those old worn-out stone tablets and the so-called freedoms of the yellowed parchment of the Constitution, Bill of Rights, and various laws selected at random as necessary.

While the original commandments were designed to guide the Israelites in holy living, this “new and improved” list was designed to explain the new law of the land. Where the old laws promoted love of God and neighbor, the new mandates would set things “straight with hate.” America would abandon the King James version of the Bible and would now follow the King Trump version. This new book is in large print, uses no words over two syllables, and has lots of pictures including a centerfold of Melania.

The original Ten Commandments were covered in Exodus in the second book of the Old Testament. Exodus also included events like the plagues and Passover. In the King Trump version of the Bible we have Covid 19 for the plague and competent administration personnel were “passed-over” to hire buffoons and nincompoops. The new messiah, chosen by the white Christians of the religious right and as foretold by The Heritage Foundation in a vision they called Project 2025, took his throne for the second time in January in the Year of our Trump, 2025.

J.D. “Moses” Vance has now published the newly revised doctrine of the faithful…

Without further ado, here are the Trumpmandments:

1. I am the one true King and you shall not worship any other kings.

2. Idols and images are not only fine but welcome as long as they are of me. I own the copyrights and all royalties shall be paid to the Trump Organization.

3. There will be no blaspheming the name Trump unless you are referring to that idiot Erik.

4. There is no longer a Sabbath as I now institute the seven-day work week.

5. You can honor your father but leave your mother to me if she is hot.

6. Murder is OK if it is a democrat, illegal, someone who might be illegal, or anyone darker complected than my lustrous orange hue. RINOs should be wounded if possible, to give them time to come around.

7. You should commit adultery as often as possible. I do it every chance I get.

8. You can steal if you don’t get caught. If caught, deny. If that doesn’t work, a healthy donation to my wink-wink “campaign fund” can get you a full pardon.

9. Lying is fine as long as it is a good one worthy of repetition. All statements that disparage me are lies and will be cause to take action. See commandment six.

10. You shall not covet your neighbors’ house, unless it is bigger than yours. You shall not covet your neighbors’ wife unless she is hotter than yours. You can covet Melania but only if you have something worthwhile to swap. You can covet your neighbors’ servant unless you are my neighbor.

Violate these commandments and there will be consequences. The Department of Justice and Revenge will prosecute all offenders unless you are willing to part with a large cache of cryptocurrency. So sayeth the Trump, your king and master.